These FAQ's are a combination of questions that Theresa and I have been asked, and other families have encountered going through the adoption journey. We hope that you will find them helpful and please, always feel free to reach out to us if you have questions.
Why Adoption?
We have wanted to start a family for years and it was a key factor in our decision to move from Minneapolis back to Fargo. Theresa and I have for many years discussed the desire to adopt some day, although we always assumed that we would have a biological child first before looking into the adoption route. The past couple of years have led us down a road to where adoption has become our first choice in building our family. Doctors have advised us that there is no reason we should not be able to conceive naturally, but to date this has not occurred. We feel that we are at a point in our relationship where we are ready to start our family and thus the decision to start our family through adoption. We are not doing this for charity, we are doing this as we desire to have a family and we feel that we will be able to provide a loving, safe home for a child, regardless of the background they come from.
Why international adoption rather than domestic?
When we made our decision to adopt, we first looked to a domestic adoption. We realized very early on that while a domestic adoption may it is right for many parents; it was not right for us as an option to start our family, although we may look at domestic adoption in the future. We desire to have an infant or young toddler join our family and the vast majority of children in the foster care system are not available at that age.
The alternative was to go through a process which felt very much like a marketing or a sales event (I do enough of this at work…) We essentially would have to sell ourselves to potential birth mothers, actually create a scrapbook of our lives that is then put into a huge book for them to flip through and choose from. This process could take a week, or it could take years, there was no control from an adoptive parent’s perspective. On top of that, there is a 35% chance that the birth mother would change her mind and reclaim the child after we would have committed to this child, potentially even after taking the child home. That is a scenario that we were unable to face at this point in our journey for a family.
Why Africa (Ethiopia)?
Once we made the decision to adopt internationally we started to look into the various programs. We looked into all the countries that we were able to adopt in and Russia, China, Guatemala and Ethiopia came up as our likely destinations. Each time we looked further into the programs we were pulled back to Ethiopia – it just felt right and continues to feel more right each day.
We were really introduced to Ethiopia through a co-worker of mine. This summer he and his wife adopted two brothers, ages 10 months and 4 years. We spent an afternoon with this family, learning about international adoption, the positives and negatives, learning about Ethiopia, the adoption agency, the children, culture – you name it. We came away so impressed with the entire process.
Simply put – Ethiopia is where our child is! Every country has a unique way of approaching adoption-different timeliness, costs, travel requirements, etc. On a practical level, the adoption process from Ethiopia is among the most accessible. But, more importantly, Ethiopia is a beautiful country with a rich and proud culture and history. The people value their children immensely, so the children are treated very well in the care centers before adoption. This helps facilitate an easier transition into an adoptive family. And, after doing much research, we found Ethiopia to suit us best.
Why are so many children available for adoption in Ethiopia?
Ethiopian children are placed for adoption for many reasons. As a result of years of civil war, famine and disease, literally millions of children have lost their parents. They end up in either orphanages or living on the streets. Also, some children are placed for adoption because the family can’t afford to care for one more child. Some children are placed for adoption because their mother re-married – in Ethiopia it is a custom and accepted that if a mother remarries and her new husband doesn’t want to bring her children into his family, they can be placed with other family members or placed for adoption. Whatever the reason, it is important to know that Ethiopians view adoption as “loaning” their children to us. They believe it takes a village to raise a child and we are part of that village. It is never an easy decision to place a child for adoption – these are not “unwanted” children by any means. These are simply children whose birth families wanted a better life for their children and are “loaning” them to us to help provide that better life.
Adoption is NOT about “rescuing” these children – it’s about parenting them.
Will your child be healthy (will your child have HIV/AIDS)?
Our child might have some minor and treatable medical conditions such as scabies, parasites, etc. when she comes home. But overall, children adopted from Ethiopia are healthy and capable of normal development.
All children are screened several times for HIV/AIDS before adoption, so adoptive families know whether they’re adopting a child who is infected. It’s a very personal decision for the parents (and a personal matter for the child), but it’s not one that parents enter into without doing lots of research and developing a treatment plan.
There are no known cases of children testing negative for HIV in Ethiopia and then test positive in the U.S.
Aren’t you concerned about the race issues?
Of course! Race is still a major issue in our country and the first thing anybody adopting transracially (cross-culturally) needs to do is accept that and find ways to raise the child in a safe and supportive environment. The adoption agency requires all transracial adoptive parents to develop a parenting plan that addresses keeping children connected with their culture, learning about race and ethnicity issues and how to deal with problems that may arise. Also, we will do everything in our power to help our child feel proud and comfortable about his/her heritage.
When will you get your child?
The Ethiopia program predicts the wait time for a referral (match of a child with our family) for a boy to be anywhere from 4-6 months and for a girl anywhere from 6-9 months but the process can take longer. Girls are in more demand from pretty much all countries, not just Ethiopia. Once we receive a referral we will travel to Ethiopia within 8-10 weeks to get our child. The courts in Ethiopia close during the month of August and into September so there are no referrals given out during that time.
What is a referral?
The agency notifies us of a child by sending/emailing us a referral. The referral includes ALL information the agency has on our child – there may be pieces of information missing but it is all the information known about our child. There will also be a picture of our child.
Will you share all the referral information with us?
We will definitely share some things but don’t expect us to share everything. Simply put, it is not our information to share – it is our child’s information to share if she/he chooses to do so. This is very private information and belongs to him/her. This can be difficult for some people to fully understand but families talk amongst themselves and it could be very embarrassing for a child to hear from a family member that he/she was a product of rape or that his/her birth mother was a beggar or a birth father died of AIDS (these types of things are included in the referral). It could be especially devastating if a child learns, for the first time, such information from a family member. Our child will know his/her full story by the time he/she is 10 years old.
Do you get to request a certain child?
Since we are first time parents the only thing we can request is age and how many ( ie siblings). So Theresa and I are requesting an infant (0-1 year) and are open to considering siblings if they are under the age of three.
Will you change his/her name?
We want to keep as much of our child’s culture and history as we can which includes their namesake. We will look at keeping their name as a ‘middle’ name. We will also strive to incorporate our child’s birth culture present in his/her life throughout childhood.
We love the Ethiopian culture and how they raise their children. Our plan is to encompass our children’s culture into our family life, so that they always feel connected to Ethiopia and their heritage.
Can I hold your baby right away? Can I help feed your baby?
Most of us will probably let you hold our babies but only for a short amount of time. Our baby has been in many hands and he/she needs to know that we are his/her primary caregivers and parents. By being passed from person to person, our baby will become more confused. Because of this, we will be the only ones feeding our baby until he/she has established a bond with us (this could take several months if not longer).
Will you travel to “show off” your new addition to family and friends?
First, we’re going to be exhausted from the trip to Ethiopia! Second, by the time our child is in our hands, he/she has most likely lived in 2-3 different places (if not more). That’s a lot of changes in a short life. Traveling and spending time in hotels or with relatives can be very confusing – as far as the child’s concerned it’s just one more move for them. Our child needs to learn that our home is his/her home and he/she needs to feel safe and secure in our home before we can travel (again, this can take several months and probably longer for older children). The same goes with get-togethers – they can be very overwhelming when you have all these people in one place and the poor child doesn’t recognize a soul. After all, he’s just getting used to these 2 new strangers who are calling themselves mom and dad!
What NOT to do/say:
How much does it cost?
- Please don’t ask this unless you’re truly interested in adopting
- It makes us feel like you’re asking the price of something as trivial as a new sweater – the adoption process isn’t trivial and neither is our child
Why not adopt from China (or some other country)?
- We’ve already chosen to adopt from Ethiopia and are thrilled with our decision.
- Asking this question implies you’re not ok with our decision
Now that you’re adopting, you’ll get pregnant!
- Infertility and adoption aren’t dependent upon one another
- The statistics for infertility stay the same whether we adopt or not
Don’t make comments saying how “lucky” the child is or about us “rescuing” our child.
- We’re adopting because we want to PARENT a child – NOT rescue it
- We are the “lucky” ones -- we get to parent a beautiful child!
Don’t use terms such as “real mother” or “children of your own”
- Use terms that affirm the value of both her birth parents and adoptive parents
- I am her real mother
- She is my own child
“I have 4 grandchildren and one adopted grandchild.” or “My daughter has 2 children – one is adopted.”
- Pointing out that one grandchild or child is adopted makes that child seem inferior
- I have 5 grandchildren – say that and leave it at that
- My daughter has 2 children – leave it at that
- Do speak about adoption in past tense – the child WAS adopted
I don’t see race – I’m colorblind
- Our child’s race is an integral part of his culture and heritage. Ignoring it or the issues that arise around it will make him feel as though an important part of his self is being ignored.
If there are known birth family members please don’t ask why they “gave up” our child, and don’t speak disparagingly of the parents with comments such as “I just can’t imagine how anyone could give up a child.”:
- Never use the term “give up” when it comes to adoption – children aren’t “given up” an adoption plan is made for them
- Our child’s birth parents are an important part of who he is, and we plan to foster love and respect for them.
- Please remember this is not our information to share – it is our child’s personal, private information and our child can share it if/when he chooses to
Don’t be offended if we don’t allow you to hold, feed, bathe or change our child.
- Because our child has experienced tremendous loss and has known many caregivers – it’s important for us to be the ones to meet his/her every need during the critical bonding period
- The bonding period differs for every child but it can last weeks, months and even years (especially for older children)
- Just because we need to do certain tasks ourselves doesn’t mean we don’t need help! As new parents, we’ll appreciate anything you can do to help us with the transition.
Please DO say/ask:
Do ask questions about the adoption process, expectations and fearsDo feel comfortable about expressing your own fears and concerns BUT realize that adoption is a very personal decision – maybe not one you would have made for yourself but one we have come to after much research, deliberation and soul-searching. Do embrace the differences our child brings to our family Do speak positively about our child’s culture/heritage Do have baby showers – especially if it’s someone’s first child Do treat us the same way you’d treat people expecting a biological child – with excitement, tenderness and even a bit of pampering!
- Just because we’re not physically pregnant doesn’t mean we’re not excited about adding to our family
